reminiscing

for real this time... nothing about poker.. cept that it's been a year at SP and it's been great... expansion this coming september and damn i'm happy to be a part of it... dealer changes have occured more than once and more than once w/ certain dealers! but this crew seems to be semi-stable... it's tough giving the same speech ova and ova again after their shooting nite... play better.. make money... *nod nod*... bleh.. then same shiet happens again next time... or skips one game and the vicious cycle starts again... aight.. no more poker talk now

so wut's happened in the past year? well 2d man got married... along w/ school teacher, not trivial and vey soon, the dentist's brother and bam bam's sister... sometimes i think i'm so behind in that aspect of my life, but then... maybe i'm just doing things my way... have different priorities... and haven't found that person yet to share my life with... let alone find the person who accepts the current employment... the ex that really understood my business and didn't have any problem with it was CBG... now that i've moved into my new house (still settling - waiting for furniture to arrive still) - i had some to read our old jornals and letters... we really were in love... and i haven't been able to be as happy w/ anyone since... today i actually tried to picture her in my life again, but w/ a couple things different... wouldn't it be different having her not have a curfew anymore, or have keys to my place? setting the table, doing laundry, playing pool, watching movies just laxing... but that's not gonna happen anymore... have to move on, and everytime i go back to the box... i'm reminded wut used to be... i remind myself that it wasn't supposed to be that's why it isn't... but i can't help but feel that i could've salvaged something... but then the cheating... iono... all i know is that i have this house now and no one to really share it with... reasoning with myself at 4:30am isn't gonna really help any... i just miss that warm feeling inside that i used to have... just holding a person close knowing that they love you is enough... it's weird... it's been almost 5 years now... and maybe within those 5 years, i've had these lapses maybe 3 or 4 times... wretched box!! seriuosly though... one might say... "chuck the fucking box then"... i dunno if i can... and i dunno why this one hurts the most... even though it wasn't the longest relationship... maybe cuz it was the last one.. and it ended in such a way it wasn't really fair... i wonder if she still thinks about me... or if i'm just a memory...

just finished talking to slim about the whole "relapse"... he was encouraging... even though he doesn't say much buy "MMMM".... i can tell he does care... not too many people would know the pain i feel, but he's one of the few.... YOU are one of the few as well (if you even still read this)... i'm just glad that i have friends that'll be there for me when i need someone to talk to... although most of the time i'm the listener... i dunno why that is... but i know the offer is always open for the roles to be reveresed... for some reason, i don't though...

all i know is that IF/WHEN i become a husband or a dad, i'd excell at both jobs... this is wut i've been told and i feel it too... sometimes i wish that these girls w/ the wrong guys would see these qualities... i guess girls are just as dumb as guys are...